Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Himbolicious Quote #9

I'm not conceited, I'm convinced.
-Himbo's Mama

Oh lord Jesus! Don't you know, this is who I get it from. My mother, ladies and gentlemen. So during my trip to The Tundra last week, my mom must have said something that prompted someone else in the house to tell her she was conceited, and that himbolicious quote was her rebuttal. But she's been using it for years... since I was a weeee Himbitito [Espanol for little Himbo].

Anyway, it's true. We're convinced is all.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

What the...

Friday was our company holiday party, so I was busy getting shit faced.
Saturday I went to another holiday party with a friend, so I was very busy getting shit faced.
Sunday I packed for a trip I didn't end up taking, so I was busy getting shit faced.
Monday I worked and had to handle some last minute holiday ish... ugh!
Tuesday I worked and packed for my trip to The Tundra.
Wednesday - Friday I spent in The Tundra.
Saturday I recovered from my trip to The Tundra.

Long story short, my place was messy! No time to clean and plenty of reasons to tear it upside down.

Sunday, I finally decided to tidy up. It took all day (and I'm still not done) and I forgot to eat. Bon Don will attest to this, I get all hypoglycemic when I don't eat. So I ordered pizza because I was not feeling okay enough to make something. + I had enough points for a free pizza.

The pizza guy gets here and by this time I am trying not to pass out, he gives me the credit card slip to sign and I added a tip since he made the effort to come to my door rather than calling me to come outside to the gate. This is over and above the $2 they already impose upon me without asking. I didn't know what the hellz I was doing, I was all dizzy and stuff. I ended up tipping the guy $6! My order came to $3 with my free pizza!

To add salt to the wound, I think the guy was insulting me when I was writing in his 200% tip, I can't be certain because he was vietnamese and I didn't really understand what he said - but I'm pretty sure he was insulting the instructions I gave for him to find my place.

Oh well. I'm gonna watch "Under the Same Moon" and finish eating my pizza.

-Himbolirious

Crack is NOT Luxurious!

Ohh... Whitney said it best, "crack is whack"!

This foo is tryin to sing "O-mazin' Grace, How Sweet Da Soun".

Just watch. Wait until the end, it gets good.

Courtesy of HimboTube: Broadcasting Luxurious
!



-Himbo

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Lawd Jay-zis... Hallelujah..! Amen!

First of all, praise the lord for I have made it back alive from The Tundra! Can I get an amen? But this post is inspired not by my trip home for the holidays, but for this scene which you are about to witness.

This clip is from Cadillac Records. Beyoncé plays Etta James, and I'll be honest, when I heard Beyoncé was going to play Etta, I was like "aou aou, NO she di-int!", but let me tell you boys and girls, and girly-boys and boyie-girls, she tore it up! She done ravaged that part real good.

If you're confused, what I am trying to say is, Beyoncé: [Etta James]Cadillac Records as
  • Diana Ross: [Billie Holiday]Lady Sings the Blues
  • Halle Berry: [Dorothy Dandridge]Introducing Dorothy Dandridge
  • Angela Bassett: [Tina Turner]What's Love Got to Do with It
  • Jennifer Lopez: [Selena]Selena
In other words, great. She was great! 'twas the role of her lifetime.

I'll try not to spoil it if you haven't seen this yet, but let me set this clip up right quick:
Record Producer Guy discovers Etta, consequently saving her vida loca. Thus Etta hearts
Record Producer Guy and wants to make him her baby daddy. Record Producer Guy decides to go buh-bye and just be some dude. He tells Etta this as she is recording this amazing song. Realizing it will be the last time she will sing to him, Etta saaangs it to him like dis:



Oh, and btw, HER.HAIR.IS.LUXURIOUS!

-The Reverend Himbo

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'm Ready for My Closeup, Mr. DeMille


You know how I'm a blogebrity n stuff? Well, I'm not just a blogebrity anymore. In fact, I think Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition is adding me to the 2009 release... yes, I think that's what one of my assistants was telling me yesterday.

You see, the hotel sponsored a pledge drive on KOCE. It was to support public broadcasting. You know... so Big Bird can keep that six figure salary.

Anyway, you know those people on PBS during Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman concerts, who answer calls and take your "pledge", then send you a "gift" as a token of "our appreciation" [oh wait, that last one didn't need quotations, did it?]? Yup... that was Himbo along with the cool kids (sans Bon Don, she didn't wanna go). The whole thing was really fun. I TiVo'd it and got some pix on my cell phone camera [guerrilla style, 'cause I'm avant-garde like that] just so I can show you! Err... I mean, I had one of my assistants TiVo the show and upload the pix, just so I can show you guys.

I'm gonna have to call Britney and see if I can borrow a couple of her bodyguards for a while. Maybe Kevin Costner will want to be my bodyguard, then Whitney Houston will come and sing "I Will Always Love You" to me.

And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...

That reminds me... kids, crack is whack! Don't touch that stuff... unless you have receipts.

Alright already, without further adieu:


-Him

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Open Letter to All Fashion Houses and Designers

Step aside Giorgio Armani, Tom Ford, House of Givenchy, D&G... all you bitches. Le Himbotique has arrived! That's right, by this letter, House of Fantabulous formally announces the debut of Himboutique. Here to bring the haute back to haute couture. I'm bringing sexy haute back, yup! Just keepin' it luxe... 'cause that's how I roll, bitches.

You won't find Himboutique on 5th Avenue, Oxford Street, Champs-Élysées, Via Montenapoleone, not even Rodeo Drive. Our address is on zazzle.com 'cause I'm avant-garde like that.

I have to cut this letter short, la Maison de Chanel is calling [probably just Karl wanting to congratulate me]. I'll see you at Fashion Week... watch your backs!

-Himbotella Versace



Just doing my part to spread luxurious about the world. You're welcome.

Shop Himboutique!

*Himboutique is the official online store for My Hair is Luxurious!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

It's a bird, it's a plane, its...

A homoerotic moment with Michael Bublé.

Let me preface a bit. I watched one of my favorite programs called Great Performances, on PBS. Today's episode highlighted The Hitman: David Foster & Friends. Michael is one of David's "friends", so he comes on stage and eventually duets with Blake Shelton on a song they both separately released. Play the clip below [courtesy of HimboTube] and you'll see what I'm talkin about.

Hint: No need to watch the entire video, unless you want to of course. The duet covers the first four minutes.


I thought they were gonna go at it right there on stage. They kept asking each other to go home with each other, and eye fu**ing. I hear Michael Bublé is preggers with Blake's baby. I also heard it's a boy. I also heard the baby boy is actually Josh Groban.

-Himborez Hilton

A Tale of Two Maties

Gabby from Gabby She Wrote inspired me to tell the tale of how I met Bon Don. It's a luxurious tale indeed. Have tissue nearby. If you're like Narm, you might have wet wipes instead.

Follow me to place where incredible feats are routine every hour or so... Anaheimian niiiiiights. OOPS sorry! I went a little ADD on ya.

So anyway, I wasn't always this luxurious [humor me]. Before I moved to The OC, I lived in The Tundra, a tiny little town known for cows and farms n shit [Note: I did not grow up there, just lived there for a couple of years]. I worked at a call center, taking reservation for a hotel company. I couldn't wait to get the fuggoutta there, the smell of cow gave me a headache so the second I saw an opportunity, I transferred to a hotel. Bon Don happened to work at said hotel. She's worked there since... oh I dunno... 1872 or so.

My first year at the hotel, my office was on the first floor. Bon Don works in the basement [Haha they put her in the corner, where she belongs. You know, familiar territory]. Every Tuesday on my way to my weekly meeting in the basement, I walked by Bon Don's corner. She looked so nice and innocent [I know right?!]. I always smiled at her and she smiled back, usually we exchanged Hi's.

A year later, I transferred to the basement and saw a lot more of Bon Don. We ran into eachother in the Grapeslime, which is the employee cafeteria. She asked me if I transferred to the basement, then proceeded to give me the low down on EVERY THANG! She was like, "Don't be friends with this betch, her skin stinks mmkay, she don't take showers. And that other heiffer, uhuh, watch out for her. Don't sit on that side of the Grapeslime, that's where the peasants sit. Sit over here with us tomorrow". I was in love!

I came back everyday, Bon Don always had the 411. Dude, it's crazy, this woman knows everything! There's about 1,000 employees, she knows everybody's drama. And she's been there since before hotels had electricity or running water, so she knows all about the execs and the shenanigans they pulled prior to becoming execs.

So anyway, it was love at first sight, if you don't count that first year. And we've been inseparable ever since. Her hubby doesn't even mind.

Together, we've made people cry, quit, pee, move, see a therapist, attempt suicide, miscarry ...allegedly.

Did I mention cry?

We were never convicted.

Btw, she's London, I'm Paris.

PSA #1: Crack is Whack!






Crack is whack!

-Whitney Houston

Monday, December 8, 2008

6FU

Ruth is such a whore... it's sort of creepy but I love it.

Keith and David are such whore's... I love it.

Billy is such a whore... me loves it.

Brenda's mom is such a whore... it kinda makes me feel sorry for Brenda.

Brenda is so awesome... me loves her!

It's 4am and I am not asleep... I hate it!

6FU is so addictive.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Himbolicious Quote #8


Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.